“Do you remeber the last day you were happy? “, I asked myself, similing to myself, all by myself in my empty room when a friend in a whatsapp group posted this picture of me with my girlfriend, when we were done with class 10. I saw this picture, and knew the answer to my question,and all i could utter was, “women are fickle minded”, as i gazed at her smile in an endless cycle, still smiling and thinking how it all ended- us along with me.
Our school was co-ed and my family had enough women that i came across, to formulate my understanding of their nature. I do not claim to know them still, but then i came in acquaintance with her, and i believed i had found a woman. And my stupid teen mind said, she is the girl i am to marry and love till death and later and so on. I saw all those dreams, because i was filled with so much of love and affection for her. My stupid mind, still dreams profusely and she does not stop forcing her way in, interuppting my life, still so beautiful, i have no choice but to not love her forever. I dare not betray this one true feeling alive even when her love that might thrive in her somewhere, like a seed, never saw growth, never, i believe was even born. Her fickle mind might have missed out on noticing me.
Maybe she did not love me. And i cannot blame her. I was weak then, vulnerable, and i gave myself up without a thought, to loving her. She was strong and beautiful and sensible. Not something I found in anyone else. But on this day, she chose to hold onto my hand instead of anybody else’s. We had moments later on, but this day stands to be the moment when i was happy. This happiness was tangible, and i was holding it. It was, as it has always been- her.
We were together abruptly and suddenly. Precisely like the unplanned rain on a sunny wednesday, when she had first said “i love you” in that three word text. And all of a sudden, like magic, it started raining. And i started shouting i love you Sayante in the middle of the road. That day, i expressed being free,being unstoppable, falling completely in love. And the world, cried along.
If i could stop, i would stop myself at holding her hand here and make my life turn into this picture, but life is not so profoundly fortunate anymore, it seems. I say this because, we were thrown apart to just texts, due to different schools and other teenage restrictions. And we slowly grew apart through less and less conversations. To one Saturday, when i realized in a phonecall that we had to come to an end. So surprisingly, and suddenly,like a thunderstorm during the dead, silent autumn.
All i could think of, coming back from reminiscing through the memories of 4years back is that women maybe fickle minded, but she was more. She had a will, some strong force inside her that she never betrays . It is not about if she is right or she is wrong, or good or bad or stupid, but that she is strongly bound to being herself. Such a person does not need anyone. And yet, she chose to hold my hand that day. I cannot imagine what a girl had to go through all her life until that very moment, but that day she chose me and i am forever grateful to her to make me feel so special. To allow me into her world, because for a girl like her it is never easy to chose a boy like me.
Lovers ask lovers what they love about the other. I have had my share of the question too and came up with well designed answers. But I never did really answer her why. Maybe because I never can. It is simple you know, i chose to love her suddenly, and to never betray that feeling.
But you know strong women like her are very proud. So let us put it like, i promised to her, and just so that she is not left alone at the end of her life, i am keeping that promise and not leave her literally as long as she wants and figuratively always.
Her birthday was on 28th July and i miss her every day. Or maybe, it just women and all women are fickle minded.