All I could think of was of that very moment. The dark room, the white light coming from the window, that faded equally, it seemed, on every piece of furniture in the room, making the resin paste on them glisten. She stood there, in the middle, from me and the god forsaken window that made her look even more beautiful than her age. The only thing alive that was shining in that dark, silent, epmty room. She was smiling now, realising how much we both were loving this moment of doing absolutely nothing. The silence, or rather the inability to say anything. I copied her, realising the same. And then the purpose of our meeting, was metted with. We made love.
In the next morning, we were back at our own separate rooms. I was here lying on my bed contemplating on something or somethings that i could not hold on to. Much like a dream. I did not know what she was up to. Maybe she was with her husband having their breakfast. Maybe doing morning chores, bathing, singing, busy with something but not lying down doing nothing like me. My mind then in a rush got so involved in being this alone that i forgot everything around me. Even where i was, what place it was i was lying, on whose bed. What i knew i remember is me and that woman,and a faint look of her husband.
There was a sudden chaos outside. And i had my attention escape, to discover what was happening outside. I opened the door to my room, and there was this big hall, it was almost dusk. The hall had many large windows, and the light that came from all around made it very easy to guess the time. It was almost like i was standing in the middle of a specific moment in time. She was sitting on a chair, again in the middle surrounded by some number of people and a man in a suit moving furiously. It was her husband, i guessed succesfully. The people kept commenting, some shouting, some saying things to the woman and then to her husband. Sitting there, quiet when she saw me through the small crowd, i could sense her eyes felt some momentary relief which faded quiet as fast as i saw it.
Then she told her story that they all wanted to hear. I could figure out some parts of what she said. I could not hear again. She said she had been unfaithful probably always, she had slept with quiet a few people, even a girl once. When she said the number of guys, maybe because someone asked her, she smiled and said, i think she had said 6 or 8 or maybe 13. I remember she smiled while she said so, as if it was a joke. I felt hurt then, being quiet young and a bit weak at controlling onself. She was a woman of 29(i had asked her , and she had answered without being offended), and me 8bloody years young. It was a mistake what we did, just a one time thing of two stupid horny people. And then i saw her in the middle of those people looking at her with anger, disgust. To them she was not a human figure, not her name even, not a woman, she was just the feeling of anger or digust. A vessel. And i knew, among all of this. Maybe it was a mistake but i decided that she needed to know that i am looking at her too like that time before. So i went near her, knelt down next to her and held on to her hand and looked into her eyes, demanding her attention towards me. She gently looked back. We were doing nothing again, only more closer, more intimate. It seems we were both a little deaf and dumb. I never saw her lips move, but i could hear echose of her voice saying how alone she felt for so long, how she tried to feel love, how mad she went to feel how being with someone felt like. And all she felt every time was absolutely nothing. How much it hurt her, all of it. How difficult it is to be unable to explain oneself, to talk to someone. How numb she became trying to be her and then trying to be someone else. How deeply lost she was, that she had just closed her eyes and let herself float in this dark universe of the lost.
Each echo grew louder and louder than the next, and with each echo everything around me started to demolish itself. The people, the walls, the windows, the light which had come to a brilliant dusk time orangish red. Every atom around me started to burst and dissappear.
A dark, empty universe came into existance. She took her left hand, over mine. I had discovered last night, i liked how her left palm felt on me a little more. She held my hands, almost like she copied me and said – “you did not make me feel alone, and i want to fall in love with you”.
I was lying in my bed. About to wake up from my sleep and this dream, and as my eyes were about to open i saw her tears rolling down her eyes, glistening on the corner. I was about to hold her in my arms for the longest time i ever could and i woke up, my eyes wide open. And all i could do was have tears in my eyes, all by myself.